


I Shall Mourn Until The Sun Shines Once More

by origamigf



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Brother-Sister Relationships, Cancer, Food, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/origamigf/pseuds/origamigf
Summary: In high school, his mother dies from cancer and he's forced to take her his sister while his father sits in his own grief, unable to look at his own children. Kita stops by and tries to make things a little better. He can't fix him, but support is support.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Suna Rintarou, Suna Rintarou & Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	I Shall Mourn Until The Sun Shines Once More

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rarazsho](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=rarazsho).



Cancer. 

What a painful disease. 

It’s worse nowadays than before because you have hope the medicine keeps getting better and better. They’re finding more solutions and gaining more knowledge than ever on how to help a patient fight cancer. There’s that small bundle of hope when you first get the diagnosis. Cancer isn’t the raging beast like it used to be; there are options and treatments you can pursue. It isn’t a constant losing battle anymore. There’s more chances at getting better, higher rates of being cured than ever before. The medical world has grown so much with their endless research and continuous effort to fight the beast of a disease. 

It would feel that way, if they had made it. If the person who had fought with every inch of their soul had been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It would have been worth it. Every stupidly expensive bill they ever got and the endless hours they spent on call with insurances, demanding help in a dire situation that we’re forced into - it would have been worth it. Surviving cancer isn’t a miracle anymore, but it isn’t a perfect science either. 

She still lost her life. 

She fought the hardest. She fought with every tooth and bone she had, gritting her teeth like a one-woman army in the middle of an ever-raging war with thousands of deadly soldiers charging at her without mercy. She took every option she had, considered the risks and the benefits, and always made the best decision. She never did anything without good reason, never without calculating if it was for the best. She wasn’t stupid. She followed doctor’s orders to a tee and never forgot to take her medications or follow through with treatment plans. 

She was the perfect patient. Diligent and careful to a fault, always asking questions and never overlooking her concerns. 

She wasn’t a success story, even after all that. 

Her hair had long faded in exchange for her having more days on this Earth, for having a better chance at recovery, but she wasn’t ashamed. She said it felt better, more freer than with all her long hair. She said it made her even more prettier when she wore caps and hoods. 

“Don’t you think I look cute, hon?” She would smile brightly, her naturalistic makeup complimenting the color of her favorite fiddler hat that always sat snug on her head. She’d always do this when she caught her husband staring at her. 

He’d respond with a cheeky smirk, “You always look cute. Isn’t that why we got married?” 

It would make Suna and his sister barf, especially since these exchanges were always during meal time. 

He wanted that. He wanted to get grossed out at his parents flirting one more time. He wanted to race to grab his phone and text the group chat, whining about how gross it is that they keep flirting in front of them. He wanted to declare again how he would never do that to his kids. He wanted to whine about straight people and their endless PDA just one more time. 

He wanted his mother back. Just one more time. 

He wanted her back so his father could smile that giddy smirk of his whenever she kissed his cheek in passing. He wanted his sister to have that precious smile on her face whenever their mother held her tightly in her arms, coddling her in their old-timey rocking chair that she loved to sit in and read books whenever it rained. 

He wanted her to come to his games one more time. He wanted her to talk to him about tips and tricks he could use to get better. He wanted her to show him how to properly use his body, even though he had learned this all from her long ago when he was much younger. He wanted her to look back fondly on her younger years and tell him about all the fun she had being a former pro. 

He wanted to get embarrassed whenever she caught him talking to his boyfriend. He wanted to be so flushed and red she would say, ‘ _ Red did always look so cute on you, I bet this mysterious boyfriend of yours agrees with me! _ ’ He wanted to weakly argue with her and say, ‘ _ He does not! _ ’ He wanted her to reach over and tickle him to make him smile and more embarrassed, to make him double over in stupid, revolting laughter that filled the house up so much that his sister and father would come to the room to see what the fuss was about. 

He wanted her soft whispers when he was upset about something. He wanted the gentle promises of when he confessed his fears of her leaving him. He wanted the cruel, assuring touches when he cried deep into her shoulder, afraid of everything. Her body growing more and more frail, her sickness leaving her in bed more days than not, and the way the doses kept being upped and upped; it was all so terrifying to him. It was like the darkness he had managed to scare away with his torch had finally closed in on him, taking everything, including the flame of hope, with it. 

‘ _ If I do die, I won’t really be dead, _ ’ She would smile against his hair. ‘ _ Because you’ll be thinking of me. You’ll remember me, you’ll keep those memories of us close to your heart. Isn’t that super cool? _ ’ 

He just nodded, because crying was embarrassing and so draining. She’d kiss him on the head and smile the brightest one she could, even with pale skin. 

He loved her. 

He loves her. 

She was his mother. His protector, his teacher, his first friend, his top supporter - she was everything a mother should be. She was witty and kind, soft and respectful of his wishes. She tried not to press too far and when she did, she apologized. He was the kid and she was the mother, but she apologized when she hurt him and pushed too far, encouraging him when he needed space from everyone and everything. And when he needed he had enough, she’d let him fall back into her arms, smoothing over every winkle of pain and misery he had found himself in. 

And she was gone. Just like that. It was that simple. 

She was there with them for one moment. She was smiling with deep lines of pain spreading across her expression, and he was holding onto his father’s hand tightly as the man himself tried to hold back the tears. He was holding his sister in his arm. Small and short as she is, she has a killer grip. He found that out as the tears messed up her pretty face and she sniffled helplessly gripping onto his Inarizaki jacket as he stood, helpless and speechless in that hospital room. 

His throat was tight and dry. His tongue felt too thick in his mouth, and there was pain whenever he swallowed, knowing what was coming. He watched all day, as the doctor's eyes grew sadder and said with bated breaths what they all had been hoping would never be said. But it was. This wasn’t a miracle. They weren’t a success. Even after all the medications, the treatment plans, and endless hours spent in the hospital, waiting and hoping for over four years now, she wouldn’t make it. 

She could go peacefully or painfully. 

She chose peacefully, with a smile on her face, leaving the world with soft whispers of ‘love yous’ and ‘take care of yourselves’ uttered from her pale, chapped lips. She was okay with this. They had given their all and that was what mattered. 

That’s what he tried to tell himself anyways. To cope, at the very least. 

He repeated the idea over and over in his head, giving every amount of strength he had into believing she was okay and she was fulfilled with her life, ready to move on, even though life was snatched so shortly from her. He believed that with each inch of himself, so that way he wouldn’t break down at her funeral. 

She was dressed in her favorite white dress with her favorite pearl necklace that she only wore on those special anniversary date nights clicked around her neck. Her hands were folded across her stomach, surrounded by the white silk of the casket. His father had gone all out, making sure she had the best rest imaginable. The casket was dark oak; it was shiny and smooth. 

Those were the only things he could focus on. Sensations. He didn’t want to think about anything else, or he would burst out. He could feel it, he was on the edge. He didn’t need reminding that she was gone.

His sister wasn’t the same. She was younger than him, sure, but she could understand the impact of death, especially when it came to losing her own mother. She cried and was a sobbing mess the whole time, clinging tightly to his hand as the funeral service went on. He didn’t blame her for a second. He just held onto her and let her cry into his chest as they sat next together, letting everyone say their peace, going from person to person. 

He had no words to say. 

Just like he was in the hospital room, he’s speechless. 

He didn’t cry. He managed that. He managed to be there for his sister, meanwhile, their father had failed to even be near him. It seemed like no matter what Suna did, he couldn’t get close to him. It was like he was avoiding him. 

Well, he was. 

When he would glance over at his father and his father saw, he would look away and go somewhere else in the service building. He couldn’t seem to look him in his eyes. He wondered why. 

When it was time to say their goodbyes after leaving their precious offerings for their mother in the afterlife, they all headed for the car, but Suna wasn’t allowed in the front for some reason. It was just some papers on the second car seat, something that could easily be placed somewhere else for the meantime, but no, his father refused. 

“Just sit in the back with your sister,” He said, almost coldly. It had been a long day. They had lost her a little over two weeks ago, and it took a lot to get the funeral ready during that time. Executing the funeral and making sure everything went well had to be just as tiring for him, so Suna brushed it off and decided to go into the back without arguments and sit next to his sister as she played with the fox toy their mother had gotten her when she was born. 

It wasn’t until they got home that more questions arose. “I’m going to go to bed early, kids.” 

“What about dinner?” Suna asked immediately, worried about his sister. 

“I’m sure there’s something you can make around here. There’s plenty of groceries.”

‘Yeah, but…’ He thought, worried. “What about you? You need dinner too.” 

“Rinatoru,” His father said stiffly, turning towards him and walked closer. His eyes were glued to the floor for some reason. He clasped Suna’s shoulders, gripping them painfully almost. “I’m sorry I just can’t…”

‘Can’t?’

“Your eyes…” He watched his father’s eyes tear up as he sniffed, his voice cracking. “Your eyes are just like your mother’s. I can’t stand to look at them, I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault, but I just can’t.”

There it was. 

Like always, he was quiet. 

He was speechless, he didn’t seem to know anything else. 

His father walked away to his room, the door shutting being echoed throughout the household with him and his sister left in the main room. It was too quiet after all, eerily so. The only sounds uttered were their breathing and his sister’s little sniffles from crying all day. 

“Rinnie,” Riko tugged at his shirt. “I’m hungry. It’s dinner time.” 

He stared at the hallway entrance, knowing at the end of that hallway was his father hidden inside his room. He was consumed with grief, to the point he couldn’t even look or care for his own children. 

“Yeah,” Suna said, bending down to her height. “Me too, how about we see if we can cook something up okay?” 

She nodded, wiping the stray tears from her eyes. He smiled the best he could, like how his mother used to do when he was upset. 

He knew nothing of parenthood. He didn’t know what to do and what not to do. He had never raised a child (obviously). He never really had to be responsible for his sister either because both his parents were always there. 

One’s dead. One’s in pain. He’s all she has left. 

And she’s all he has left. 

Even though grief consumes him, the deep pang in his chest with the absence of his mother in his life, he carries on. 

Dinner was made. It was so very messy and he spent at least an hour cleaning up and putting everything away because his hands did not know how to cook or cut for the life of them, but at the end of the day, he got a pretty tasty meal. Riko seemed to like it too, so really, that’s all that matters. 

He falls back against his bed, freshly showered and wrecked with the exhaustion from today’s events. He can barely keep his eyes open as he turns on his phone for the first time today since leaving the house to head to the funeral home. He types in his code, greeted to the sight of a photo of his boyfriend petting a ginger cat with a joyful expression across his face. It makes him smile a little, even though his grief quickly buries that small spark of joy he sees from his boyfriend being so cute. 

His notification bar is full to the brim. Well, he knows why. The team is worried about him. He doesn’t blame him, sometimes, this doesn’t even feel real. Sometimes, his mother wouldn’t come home for months due to treatment, so it just seems like that. It just feels like he’s stuck at home, bored and waiting for her to surprise them with gifts from the hospital. 

He knows that isn’t true though, because he saw her lying there in the casket long before they closed it and buried her as the snow covered them all the while. December has never been so cold before. 

**_Shinsuke <3_ **

_ Yeh we’re headin out now _

_ Try to stay safe then, the weather _

_ man says it’s going to snow _

_ Aww r u worried ??  _

_ Of course I am _

_ I care about you Sunarin _

_ Jdjabsfgjbsaf  _

_ Ok ill stay safe for u  _

_ Xoxoxoxox  _

_ say it back  _

_ Be wary of slick roads and make sure to wear a scarf _

_ I don’t want you getting sick on me, ok? _

_ xoxo  _

_ :pleadingface: :pleadingface:  _

_ Off your phone now, be respectful _

_ I ammmm, we’re just leavin !! _

_ Ok ok ill go now love u _

_ I love you too, if you need to talk, I'm here _

He snorts looking over the messages from earlier. He hadn’t meant to leave him on read, but they had gotten there quicker than he expected, especially since Kita can be a slow texter sometimes. That damn nerd is always studying around that time of the afternoon, so he barely checks it usually. 

He did text back more than usual. Sooner too. 

Maybe even nerds like him get bored real easy during studying too. 

**_Shinsuke <3_ **

_ Hey we’re back _

_ Sorry that i didnt reply _

_ Got there sooner than i thought _

_ It’s okay, I assumed that _

_ Are you okay?  _

There’s a million other notifications he should be getting too. He’s sure he missed tons of fun drama in the Inarizaki group chat, but he doesn’t care about that right now. This stress is clinging onto him and while Kita doesn’t make it completely disappear, this is enough for now. This is better than facing all those tangled emotions that he doesn’t want to begin to unknot. 

_ im a big boy !!  _

_ didnt even cry _

_ Everyone cries, there’s nothing wrong with it  _

_ boooo _

_ Atsumu cries constantly for example  _

_ thats him, tsumu is an idiot _

_ Hes also a great setter _

_ Crying is natural _

_ wat r u ? my therapist ? _

_ I’m not studying psychology?  _

_ I thought I told you that I’m doing agriculture  _

_ like a nerd _

_ Is that bad? I thought you said you liked that I’m a nerd _

_. _

_ ya _

_ i do _

_ ur cute when u study _

_ can i get a selfie btw _

_ What for?  _

_ so i can see my cute bf :/ _

_ :image attached:  _

_ is that A CAT  _

_ DID YOU ADOPT A CAT  _

_ WHENWHENEHENE _

_ It reminded me of you _

_ I missed you  _

_ Granny had been wanting a pet for a while too _

_ I figured it would make her less lonely too when I’m away _

_ y r u so considerate wtf ur amazin _

_ You can stop by too and pet it :) _

_ okok  _

_ You had a tiring day right? You should sleep _

_ noooooo _

_ Go to bed _

_ For me?  _

_ Please  _

_ … _

_ fine _

_ ur a worrywart _

_ :)  _

_ Its only natural to worry about your boyfriend’s health  _

_ I don’t want you getting sick, love _

Kita barely uses pet names ever. It’s rare, but Suna falls for it everytime. His cheeks flush and his heart patters just a bit faster than before. He wishes he would say it more. 

**_Shinsuke <3_ **

_ okok :rollingeyes: gn shinnn _

_ Sleep well, Rintarou _

He breathes in deeply, staring at that message. He has no other choice but to listen. If Kita found out he didn’t listen, boy, would he be furious! 

It’s probably for the best anyways. He turns over to the nightstand, grabbing the cord to his phone charger and pulls his phone in, placing it on the table. Tomorrow would be harder than today. 

He had to become more than just an older brother tomorrow. He would have to become so much more than that. 

* * *

“Rinnie, I don’t wanna go.” She puffed her cheeks out, tugging the quilt. He recalls his mother stitching it together the weeks after Riko had been born, completely bed-ridden due to a C-section, but happy with joyful eyes nonetheless as she poured her heart into creating the quilt, one his sister certainly cherishes looking at her in bed now. “School is so boring, it’s not fun there…” 

“I don’t disagree with you, Riko,” He said, tugging at the hem of the quilt again. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you got to go to school still.” 

“But whyyyy?” Riko whined, digging her face into her pillow, the frown present on her normally adorable face, but there’s something else behind that pout. Something more painful, something more distant and complex. Youth doesn’t mean naivety, whoever believed that was a fool. 

“It’ll make me happy,” Suna said with a small smile, trying his best to help get her out of bed. He hadn’t seen his father all morning and he didn’t bother to go check his parent’s bedroom to see if he was still huddled up in there. 

“But  _ I’m  _ happier at home!” 

Oh geez. This was gonna be rough. 

He scratched his head, staring at her. 

Well, he couldn’t leave her alone. Even if his father was here, she would still be alone with no one to care for her or listen to her. Isolation is never a pretty thing. 

Perhaps, it is a bit harsh of everyone to expect them to be back at school the next day after the funeral. Maybe it’s best for both of their sakes if they did take an extra day off. 

“Okay, you can stay home today on one condition,” He said, staring at her seriously. “You promise to go to school next week okay? Nothing about yesterday was easy, so it’s okay to be upset, but you gotta move forward. No one said we had to move on, but to not move forward, that’s pretty uncool.” 

She nodded, although he doubted it would be that easy to get her out of bed when Monday morning did roll around. This wasn’t going to be easy. 

It’s barely been twenty-four hours since they last saw their mother buried deep beneath the ground and they both had no clue where to start. How do you even handle grief? He didn’t know. 

The only real thing he knew was that he needed to be there for his sister and that’s what he would do. He never considered himself a big family man or whatever you call it, but they’re siblings. He’s the older one, it’s his job to protect her and be her saviour when no one else can be, whether because they abandoned her or were taken away from her far too soon. 

He had his mother for most of his life, but she didn’t. She was only ten, how could she manage to cope? She could understand the weight of death, she was that old, but not nearly to the point of being able to cope and deal with the weight of grief. 

Suna wondered, he was older than her, nearly seventeen, but did even he know how to deal with it? 

He just wants her back already, but there’s no way that’s happening. He’s always considered himself a realist, but maybe he’s actually an idealist. Seems more fitting for him as time passes. 

“I’ll stay home with you too, I’m sure Kita-san won’t mind.” He smiled, patting her head. “So we can do whatever you want to.” 

“Really?” She looked at him with big, hopeful eyes. She was so innocent, so cute. That’s his little sister, doeful and sweet as can be. 

“Really!” Suna said, “So can you please get out of bed so we can eat breakfast? I’m ravished.” 

It wasn’t nearly close to her normal smile, but it was close enough because she looked okay with that small smile on her face as she nodded and sat up, kicking off the quilt as she raced past him out of her room and to the kitchen. His heart felt a little more stable as he reached for the quilt and made the bed properly, just like his mother would do if she was here. 

‘Maybe I’ll make omurice, it’s been a while since we had something like that.’ Suna thought, fixing the corner sheets of the bed. ‘I wonder if I can cook as good as her or not…’ 

Even thinking of her, it hurts. 

A mere mention that crosses across his mind and it’s horrible.

It’s weird. He’s her child, her first one. He’s spent sixteen years of his life being raised by her, cherished by her, loved by her...and now? He feels like he’s taking her place, copying every mood she ever made. Dealing with the childish bargaining of stubborn toddlers, making the messy bed she left casted aside, making their favorite meals, spending hours taking care of his sister, watching out for her every need...he feels like her replacement. 

Even his father felt it last night. He couldn’t even look at him because they were too similar, because apparently, he looked just like his mother, to the point he’s a copy image. Or maybe that’s his father’s grief taking over and making everything seem worse than it is. He’s not sure; grief works in weird, cruel ways. 

Everything about him he got from her - down to his eyes, his pale freckles, his troublesome hair - has now become something shameful and painful, wrecking his heart and driving his father away with every day he grows older and more wiser, slowly becoming a proper adult even though he’s so young. 

Maturity. A lot of people said he seemed that way, even if recording the twins fighting and digging up plenty of gossip contradicted the way he came off with a first glance. He’s never thought of himself as that, but he thinks maybe he’ll have to become like that. 

‘Mature huh…like Kita-san?’ He thinks as he pulls a pan out from underneath the kitchen sink, placing it onto the stovetop before flicking sliced pieces of butter inside and turning the top of the oven on. ‘I wonder if I can be like that.’ 

“What are we having??” Riko tugs at his waist, peaking at the pan as the butter melts against the heated metal.

“Omurice, we haven’t had some in a while.” 

“That’s because Papa says it takes too long!” 

“Well, I’m not ‘Papa’, am I?”

“No, you’re Rinnie!” 

“That’s right, so back up okay? When this gets bubbling, it gets hot and painful. You don't want your face to get burnt right?” 

“I can’t! Otherwise Kita-san won’t marry me!” 

“Oi, he’s going to marry me!” 

“No me!” 

“Nuh-uh, me!” 

“No, no, he said he liked me more!

“You’re ten, I’m way more his type, closer to his age too.” 

“A prince always waits for a princess! No matter how long it takes!” 

“Yeah, yeah, princess, why don’t you go choose some dumb show to watch?” 

“It’s not dumb, YOU’RE dumb!” 

“At least I’m dumb and taken by Kita-san, loser.” 

“Hey, that’s rude! I’ll steal him away when I’m older, swear it!” 

“I look forward to seeing you fail.” 

A semblance of normal returned for them, for just that moment. The bickering, the cheeky smiles, the stubborn glares - it was all back to the way it was, just like when she was still here, laughing at them from her rocking her with her favorite new book in hand. 

It seemed abnormal. They should be crying, they should be bawling their eyes out, everything should feel empty. 

When Riko walks away to grab the remote and click through the channels to find something to watch, it does feel like that. It slams down like a brick and yet, he can’t cry no matter if he wants to or not. He almost feels emotionless. 

Or is that maturity at its peak? 

He’s always been told he was a fast learner. 

It’s heavy and it's tortuous, but he doesn’t know what else to do besides move forward with this horrible feeling of dread and paranoia haunting him as this agony spreads throughout him, encompassing every part of him until there’s nothing left. 

He still can’t cry. 

He must be some sort of a heartless bastard. 

**_Shinsuke <3_ **

_ hey im not gonna be @ school today, sorry _

_ riko didnt wanna get outta bed so i stayed w/ her _

_ figured itd be good for the both of us  _

_ I concur :) _

_ Please make sure to take care of yourself too  _

_ Drink lots of water, eat proper food, and take time for you too. _

_ If you need anything, I’m right here for you.  _

_ Ok worrywart shin-chan _

_ If that’s what you must call it, then I guess I am.  _

_ I have to go now, class is starting.  _

_ Goodbye, I’ll speak with you later  _

_ bye shinsuke  _

He misses his boyfriend. That feeling of yearning and longing, it seems wrong right now. He should be crying over his mother, mourning the loss of her warm arms and yet, he’s nearly in tears because his boyfriend cares for him. 

What the hell is wrong with him?

As he sits on the couch, breaking every family rule of only eating in the kitchen and not anywhere else, he starts to think something might be wrong with him as the colorful animation flickers on the television screen. He cooked this meal, and yet he can’t taste anything. 

He asks, “Is it good? Not bland?” 

“It’s yummy!” Riko responds with a cheeky smile, munching down on the omurice. 

He can’t taste the flavor of the fried rice or the seasonings he spent a few minutes dwelling over of which to use and which to not. He can’t taste the familiar flavor of the egg. The taste of the ketchup is lost to his senses. Everything seems bland and boring. 

This is really, really strange. 

“They’re having reruns, can we watch them all day?” She says, placing the empty plate down on the coffee table that parallels the couch with her rabbit toy in hand, smiling up at him. 

“Sure, we can do whatever you want.” 

* * *

He spent lots of hours doing the same thing before. He spent hours practicing and perfecting his spike. He spent hours working on his blocker, making it stronger and more deadly. He spent hours at Kita’s place, just listening to him read his favorite book to him. He spent hours wandering around when he was lost.

He spent hours watching a show before, everyone has, but there’s something more to it. He’s spent hours ignoring his grief. 

What a coward. 

“Suna, you look pale. Have you not been eating well?” Kita said, his face cool and calm. When the bell rang, he had been expecting a package, maybe a neighbor coming over to share their condolences, but not his captain and his devoted boyfriend. “I thought I told you to take care of yourself.”

“Kita-san!” Riko cheered for joy, rushing towards him for a hug. Kita, the ever kind prince he is, bent down and gave her one with a warm smile. “What’re you doing here??” 

“I came to check up on your brother is all,” Kita smiled, standing back up with his gaze on Suna. Aah, he knows that look. 

“Do you wanna watch reruns with us?” 

“Maybe later, but first, let me cook you guys something.” 

“Huh? But we’ve been eating plenty. Rinnie made omurice, ooh! He made us gyoza too, but I ate them all! They were just so tasty Kita-san. I think it’s because it took so long for him to make them that I was so hungry! And we just had curry!!” 

“Wow, that’s lots of tasty food. Did your brother eat it with you?” Kita asked and Suna knew he was in for a world of trouble. 

“We ate omurice together! We didn’t have enough gyoza to go around, he said…” 

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, but seriously, he should have had at least one! They were so good!”

“Yes, he should have,” Kita smiled a scary one, “But don’t worry, how about we all cook up a tasty dish that your brother  _ will  _ eat. How about we have sukiyaki? A hot pot always sounds great in winter months, now doesn’t it?” 

Riko nodded enthusiastically. “Can I help??”

“Well, you are pretty big, but I think you let me and Rinnie handle the cooking for now. It can get quite dangerous, yknow?”

“Okay, Kita-san!” She said before returning to the lounge area, plopping herself on the couch and before the television again. With her gone, Kita’s razor-sharp gaze was on him. 

“So you have been cooking lots, but not eating? It seems like the only thing you had was omurice.” 

“Well, there wasn’t enough gyoza.” 

“Couldn’t you have made more?” 

“...”

“And what about curry? Did you have any of that?”

“I didn’t make enough.” 

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Kita said with a stern tone. “What’s the real reason?”

He always knows which places to hit. 

“I….couldn’t taste the omurice.” He whispered. “And I can’t cry and my appearance is a curse and….and I’m heartless Kita-san…”

“You idiot, you’re grieving.” Kita said, grabbing his hand with a concerned look. “There’s nothing wrong with not crying, it happens a lot more than you think. People cope differently. You’re not wrong for not crying over her, even though I know you want to. I get feeling that way, but what’s with your appearance being a curse?” 

“I….my dad said I had my mother’s eyes.” Suna whispered, feeling shameful. “We shared the same eyes, the same hair, the same freckles….” 

“Why is that a curse?” Kita asked. “Isn’t it a blessing? Isn’t it a way of carrying her with you?” 

“I don’t know….but father said he wouldn’t look at me.” Suna felt his fingertips trembling, “He said I looked too much like her.” 

“Well,” Kita said, “It isn’t much, but I think you look like Sunarin, not your late mother. You guys have your own separate beauty, something that should be celebrated.”

He felt sheepish standing there at the door, talking about all these messy feelings that are tangled up and still don’t make sense. He can’t bear the weight of it all, but he knows he has to. He knows he must for his sister so he can help her and offer her a semblance of what he had as a kid. 

“Hey, Sunarin,” Kita smiled, releasing his hand. “You haven’t hugged me yet, and I really think you deserve one.” 

Like a fly drawn to light, Suna wraps his arms around Kita without questioning it. He just rests his weight on Kita, and the strong captain holds him up, smiling ear to ear. 

“You’re doing great,” Kita rubs his hand up and down Suna’s back, soothing him. “I know it’s hard and it’s terrifying. It hurts so much and you just want to let it out, but it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay one day. I promise you. I’m here, so count on me. I’m your boyfriend, it’s my job to stand by you, no matter what happens, so have a little more faith in me, okay? No more acting like you’re fine as can be in texts. No more skipping meals because you’re scared. No more blaming yourself.”

It’s all so terrifying. 

Being in Kita’s arms doesn’t change that. Kita can’t fix him or take away his pain, he can only stand here and be there for him. 

“I just don’t want to think about it.” He sniffled. “Does that make me bad?” 

“No, it doesn’t,” He whispered softly. “Coping happens differently for all of us. Some of us get closure by being able to say goodbye. Some face the pain head on. Others can cope through distracting themselves. None of those is wrong or bad.” 

“Is it….okay if I distract myself?”

“Of course it is,” Kita smiled up at him. “I think you already have.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re taking Riko so diligently, caring for her. You’re being an amazing big brother despite everything, you guys are all you have left, right? You guys are like each other’s saving grace.” Kita explained gently, “It makes sense, after all, one of the kanjis in Riko’s name can be spelled the same way as ‘jasmine child’ and don’t they say people with Jasmine in their name are a gift from God? You guys are each other’s gift.” 

Kita has always been sweet and considerate. He picks his words carefully, making sure he’s heard right and never allows for any assumptions to be made. 

“Now then, how about we make sukiyaki together? I’m a horrible cook, so please teach me.”

“Yes, Kita-san.” He chuckled quietly, kissing his cheek and welcoming him into his home, moving forward one step at a time in his own way. 

The fight isn’t nearly over. The pain is there and it’s horrible, thinking about it hurts too much, but he’ll try his best to cope with what he’s lost. Distractions aren’t a bad thing and he isn’t the heartless coward that maybe he assumed he was. There’s still so much he doesn’t understand or get about grief. 

There’s only one thing that is universal: a support system will always lift you up and always hold you close when you’re down. They can’t heal you, they can’t save you either, but they can be your helping hand in a world of darkness. 

And maybe, just maybe, they can relight that torch of yours so the darkness backs away and it becomes easier to breathe. 


End file.
